An emissary from Thay visited me today.

It would appear the Zulkir is not going to hold me accountable for the loss of our enclave, quite the opposite. They were appeased about what we have done. I was filled with pride at this information, thinking that Szass Tam himself, may have read the reports of what we had succeeded in doing.

I keep thinking back to my dream, and his appearance within it. I am still unsure if it was him, or a simple dream giving me something I wished to see. None the less, surely he knows of us...of me.

They wish us to continue, to form new alliances to strengthen our position. Dealing with the Kin bloods is something that frankly, disgusts me. Though my experiences with them thus far, have not been completely painful.

I have a week to give them a report on the task they have given me. I can no longer wait on reports of those missing, I must move us ahead to meet my orders. It would appear for the time being, that unless Sar'rel wishes it by right of his position in the government, I am in charge.

My takeover did not go quite as well as I planned.

The duty was Sar'rels to refuse, and unfortunately he did not. The pieces I set in motion for this time to come, seems to now look to be a hindrance. It is time to return the wastes and find the Colonel, his being lost in the murderous sands is no longer needed, his bull strength and military mind is.

It was my plan that with Colonel Chambers missing to the group, my emergence as the new leader was assured. Perhaps I should have been more assertive, show Sar'rel I wished the role. But if the Colonel returned unexpectedly, my deceit could have revealed. That would be unacceptable.

I have business in the wastes, so my reason for "stumbling" upon the Colonel will not be suspect. Perhaps I will ensure Zinnia is with us on this expedition, she may be thankful to me for returning her master.

The only positive to come out of this week is Adrian, I have claimed him as my Sergeant to join me in leading the Dread Legion. His work with the undead is inspiring, he shall be my own personal tool of destruction. I just need to ensure the blasted Colonel, if he lives, does not subject him to the common ranks of Solider.

Duty.

While a very simple word, most cannot even grasp the meaning of it . They suffer through life trying to find meaning in their lives, yet will never fully understand how important this word is. They obsess about need, want, love, lust, hate, revenge, greed. But never do they comprehend the full meaning of the word, Duty.

I actually suffer because of this word, an almost physical pain that fills not my body, but my core. I trudge through my current life unable to feel, I lack the ability to know most every feeling, but yet this one word gives me this emotion, and oddly it is almost a curse.

I have lost the one I have bonded with, even daring to say I am capable of loving her. Now my concept of love maybe a shadow of the true feeling others know, but even if I have twisted the idea of love to a twisted bleak feeling, it's the only one I can embrace. She gives me the hope that I am not a soulless hulk. That my body is not devoid of anything but a spirit, cursed to an existence of nothingness.

It is impossible to describe the curse I suffer now, my only hope is to express it with a simple example. I walked a path from the undead lands and found myself in a field. As I stood pondering my destination, the sun breached the horizon and rose before me. In the past it was a warming feeling, the rays of the burning star touching my skin to trigger the nerves. The cold of night, replaced by the new beginnings of dawn.

Now, it is nothing but a bright orb that makes my eyes squint and does nothing but shed light. I feel not the heat, and worse the light, is bothersome. A new day is not a new start, it is just a reminder that I exist. I miss the smell of morning dew evaporating from the suns warmth, now it's just a visual trigger.

The plants I crush under my feet are no longer wet, perhaps they are, but my toes no longer know the feeling of being damp. Undeath even to the minimal sense as I know it now, is to be blunt, a pathetic end to a glorious life.

Why I did I bother complaining about all this? I am not sure truth be told. But it will help explain why I need the Priestess. She tries to give me things to feel, to bring my life back to a form I can try and remember. Be it food or drink to trigger dead taste buds, or intimate sensations so great, that even if for but a moment, I am reminded I am still a man.

I need what she gives me. Yet, now when she clearly needs me.... I am torn.

Thay has contacted me, perhaps even Szass Tam himself, has tasked me with an order. Can this be delayed with a personal need? Do I dare halt what I am bound to do, to focus on her?

Could I possibly replace one duty, with another?

More importantly, what will I lose by having to make this choice?

Duty. I hate this word.

Journal Entry:

Relationships are difficult.

I am the Destroyer

I am the Architect

I am the Husband

I am the Betrayer

I am the Balance


Again I find myself penning my thoughts, for what reason I do not know. Surely this entry will cause me the most harm if ever read, but I find myself unable to resist. I suppose it is all I have left, the truly neutral ear to my words. For I have no one I can really tell all my sins too.


The grand design has almost been completed. Soon, everything will be set in motion. It is a time of celebration, if I had any joy left in my soul to appreciate this, I would celebrate. Soon another city shall fall, but shall it fall in fire as did the first? Or shall its own people tear down its walls in the panic to come?


It will be a glorious time for those I have gathered, but will it be for me?


I have done all I can to put the pieces in motion, the blueprints are drawn for them to follow. Success or failure, is now in the hands of others. That is an unnerving feeling, to depend on others to fulfill what you have foreseen. But in this, it is how it had to be. I wish them luck in this, to see the outcome I have planned for them. But to also save them from my disappointment. I know not how I will react to failure.


I can only see an end in which all I have done, will be taken from me.


She will see great joy in her Legacy. It is what she wished for, though at what cost did it come? The cost of losing each other almost came already. Was that a hurdle in life's path? Or a glimmer of foresight to the future that awaits us? She has giving me the key to my ending. The rune and vial still sit within my arm. She will not know that I replaced the writ, though she almost figured it out. Perhaps both work, and sewn into me is my key to escape. But I only know that I gave the one, already tested. It was vital, or all was for naught. If the second is a forgery, then I have the vial. Its toxins will destroy my body, what's left of it. I will not be put on display, nor caged like an animal.


If I am to be sacrificed for the ultimate goal. Then it will be an end of my choosing.


Why am I to be sacrificed? For the same reason that she will know of my betrayal. My people must succeed. I have given them the keys to reclaim their future. Their nobility. Their right. But that key, will indeed come with a cost. And I am, this cost. It is the only way, the grand scheme is dependent on this. Though again, if they fail, then no cost will be asked. And I betrayed for nothing.


There is a pivot I stand upon, the weights unbalanced. As I find my people, both of Red and Green. I feel the balance tilt. On one side, is the glory and reward. On the other, is the pit of no return. What none can understand, is the great scale is above an oblivion of torment.


Win or lose, success or failure, reward or loss. There will be an ending to all of this. But that ending is for them. I know no pleasure nor pain, victory tastes no different than defeat.


I am a man, with nothing to gain, and nothing to lose.



I am Death.

I miss sleeping.

I miss the relaxing feel you get as you climb under blankets, feel the warmth of the cocoon created, and the moment of heaviness you experience, as you fall into slumber. I may have to look back into this journal and see how often I have complained about this, but none the less, I loathe the feeling.

But as much as I crave it, no longer enjoying sleep has its benefits. The actions n the Orphanage were amusing, I wonder how many of the children still wake terrified of their dreams. I wonder how many plot to stop Vin'gral and myself, losing their own sleep.

I wonder how many will be too exhausted, to notice what I will do next.

These games, as some see them. May seem more an annoyance to them than acts of fear, but that will be both their downfall, and their folly. The wise ones will watch and learn, they will see how each act is a trigger for another. They will learn that I am not only their better, but that I am needed.

The saying is old as time itself, you need someone to fear, to hate. You need night to appreciate the day, you need evil to seek good. In time they will see me as the others, I am their Crimson King. I am the Emperor of the Dread Lands. I am who they can both never be, and who they never wish to be.

They owe me their loyalty.

This island, those of Thay who live here beside me. They are all fools to not see me what I am. I will rule the Dread Lands, and all who do not worship me, they will be the outcasts, the peasants living outside of my gates. I shall reshape this island, one way or another. It is now up to them to decide if they stand in the court of the King and Queen.

No longer will I see anyone stand at my side, they shall now only stand in my court. If they refuse, they will know despair. A Kingdom is forming, and they will not have another chance to gain admission to my halls.


Now that I have stroked my ever increasing ego, I need to get my affairs in order. Both Thay and the Tirothians owe me, their power has been increased tenfold with my actions.


It's now time, they pay me back.

How many years have passed since my last entry in this journal?

It is difficult to say, time for me stopped being of importance a long, long time ago. Looking back over the things I have written, I am reminded of just how much has changed.

Thay did not respond, the Tirothians did not either. The Crimson King and his Dread Queen, never got their empire, their Tharch, nor their castle. All has slipped away between my numb fingers, and in the end, I lost the one thing I actually needed.

My Wife is gone, Zhentil Keep has called for her return, and in this I have lost my life.

Before any possible reader groans aloud at my choice of words, no, I have not become a romantic. I write in the literal sense, Nasmat Darkmare, Dreadmistress and chosen of Bane, was who kept me from perishing, has been taking from me. And with her removal, there is nothing left to keep me from falling.

Falling to this curse, this side effect of the Necromantic spell the Tirothians tricked us into unleashing upon this island. I shall soon fall to be nothing more than my Brethren who walk undead at our destroyed enclave, no, that is not true. They at least continue on, cursed yes, but they still fight. I am not even sure if I have that to look forward too.

Amusing, to be jealous over the minions I once commanded without thought. But now that I have admitted it, I believe it is a truth. My legacy, as my wife put it, is coming to an end. And will it end in a blaze of glory? An epic battle of power against those who oppose us? I am no longer sure.

She begged me to join her, she knew what her leaving would mean.

But leave to what?

Do I leave to stand at her side? Her dying Husband, to be now in her shadow among her people? A Thayan among the Zhentarium? A Wizard among holy folk?
They would never accept me, nor would I even want them too. I am Thayan, I am Khazark of proud people who even in the face of losing everything, stand united to continue. But I am also Death, and now, I am the defeated.

Defeated...now why did I write this word?

Nothing has beaten me, there is no victor to claim 'winning'. So why chose such a pitiful word?

No, I will not accept this. It is weak, and no matter what others may say of me, weakness was never one of my likely faults.



I had another reason for not leaving with the insane woman. An idea, a theory I never dared explore. But facing my eventual demise, I now have no other choice.

I will require assistance, there is only one I can trust with this. Perhaps a second, but that will become more clear in time.

Time, something I am short of.


I shall pen a letter to my old Master, my Mentor, my Friend? He once claimed that is what we were now, if my plan is to succeed, he will have to be exactly that. I will need his wisdom, his insight, his own sacrifice? It may very well be just that, and he will know it when he hears my idea. Will he agree to do this? I have no idea, and I will only know when he speaks the words.

This island will quake when, if, he arrives. But he, and the others, will be crucial in this working. So it must be done.

Sar'rel, must return to Thain.

Sar'rel

I hope this letter finds you well. There is much I have to discuss with you, however I feel nothing safe enough to risk having in writing.

To be blunt and to the point, I require your return on Thain.

If this is not possible, do let me know so I can pursue a different avenue. Though I will say you are likely not only my best option, but one I require the most.

Paydon.

Friendship.

What a strange word. While something that should give others hope, a smile, a feeling of belonging. It is a word I have never truly understood. Perhaps, until recently.

While the Dwarven woman and I were acquaintances, there was never any friendship. She saw me as a man who could have been better, a shame that she was so wrong. I grew to be more powerful, to be more feared. But her hope of better, was me turning to a more lighted path. That was her mistake, for I am of Thay. While some of my brethren can feel compassion and even bond with others. I am a Wizard. We must do the business others will not. We must sacrifice what others would not. One day my Balor will hear my call, and Kimli shall walk again, but no, we were never friends.

Sar'rel, my once Master and mentor. He would be, now at least, a friend. Before we were more Brothers in the arcane. Fellow Wizards serving a greater goal. But as I see him now, reduced to a rogue, yet risking himself to come when I needed him, to bring two parts of my ritual. That is the mark of a friend. And perhaps my greatest. I feel I should write more of him, but I also believe my words thus far, have the greatest meaning.

Dwent? Strange I list him. For until just weeks, or was it months ago? I finally saw him more than a soldier who suffered me because of duty. If there was any man who I felt wanted me to finally die, he would top that list. Because of me, he lost his Enclave, and his role model in Gharos. Perhaps I have that wrong, but I do know the Arch Mage Gharos had Dwents respect, far more than I. Yet here when my days were the shortest, something changed between us. While I am sure it was the realization I represented the last of what he believed in. The loss of the last Red Wizard who rose with him, who served Thay as loyally as he. He clearly wanted me gone to lead once more. But what does he lead now? The Red Wizards are gone, and in their stead, he leads the Red Priests of Fire. I doubt he enjoys that much.

While he has Khalador, and I am sure with my leaving more Wizards shall come. But he and I were the last of the original four. The last who remembered what was. He and I had our differences. I still remember when he came with sword drawn to force my leave of our store in Ravens Watch. But that day we knew we would not fight each other. That day, whatever we are now, had begun. He gifted me with part of my ritual, a Gem he carried for who knows how long. It was both needed, and accepted with respect.

I hope he finds some meaning in what I have asked Vera to give to him.


Vera. A Drow of all things. The third of the Triad. And as I write this, I list her as highly as Sar'rel. She has no reason to trust me, no reason to take me in. Yet she also got me what I needed at no small risk to her health. It was Vera who prepared my crypt. It was Vera who in the end, may very well be the last one I see with mortal eyes. The last I see at all, if I fail. I will have to ensure that if I am successful, I do something to show her my thanks for all she had done. Perhaps I will see about her rise to a true Matron of a House in this underdark I now call home.

Dominique. The Last of my far too short list. The one who should have been mine as apprentice. But no, she was taken from me, then passed to Sar'rel in the end. I would have shaped her differently from what she is now. I would have likely also tried to bed the woman, so perhaps it was good she was taken from me. Why do I mention that? The answer is simple. Had we been the Crimson King and Queen, we would still have our Enclave. The Tirothians would have had no meaning but a once tool we listed as using. And I would not be writing this with a hand that is nearly numb with death. She was taken from me, and refused me when the suggestion was made. And because of this, in some sense, I blame her for everything. We had talked as friends once, I think. I was not sure how to be that then. Nor do I think I mastered it now.

Do I consider her a friend? In a sense. But when the time came for my possibly last battle, she turned her back and walked from me. I think I would have ruined her. But yet, I think I would have saved her too. She is Thayan by blood. But she is not one of us. We are not like those of Thay, we are reduced to battle mages, to rats in tunnels. We skirt the open, and destroy from the shadows. We are less than we were, less than we should be. She fits Gharos, she knows this. And perhaps a time will come, when the great man returns to his senses.

It's, disappointing that now with this knowledge of friendship, I have so few to list. Do I regret this? No. People are stupid.

Do I regret that I am dying? Only that I die like this. Alone and weak.

Do I regret anything? Perhaps. I will consider this and put ink to parchment if I feel it needs to be said.